strength through vulnerability
Now more than ever it is extremely important to check in on yourself and those close to you. Mental health will always be extremely important. And it will forever be in our lives. I always found comfort in hearing other people’s stories and knowing that I’m not alone in many of the obstacles that I’ve faced. And knowing that not being okay at times is totally normal. I’m sharing my story to do my part in normalizing conversations about mental health and continuing to break the stigma that surrounds anxiety and depression. My hope is that this post touches someone and provides them comfort during a tough time. This took me 6 months to write. This is the most vulnerable I’ve ever been. Not even some of the people that are closest to me have read these thoughts or heard these struggles. But I hope that my vulnerability and confidence are taken as a strength. That’s how I view it at least.
In the fall of my junior year of college, my anxiety consumed me and became debilitating. I have struggled with anxiety and depression since high school; however, I had never experienced it to this magnitude. I was a different person. I never realized how much I was struggling until I looked back on it. I couldn’t enjoy spending time with my family, friends or teammates because I was constantly anxious. Sometimes the anxiety was related to performance in the rink or projects in school other times there was no real root but I just felt like I couldn’t breathe. The pressures that come with being a student-athlete weighed on my chest. It was self-induced as my drive for perfectionism became my every thought. I wanted to be alone most days. I felt guilty at the time as I felt like my struggles were starting to affect the people I lived with because I wasn’t able to be the same bubbly person that they knew.
COVID took over our lives in March. Everyone has been effected by COVID differently. For me, I felt like everything in my world was crashing down. I felt like I had zero control. Something I don’t do well with at all. My anxiety manifested into an eating disorder. My workouts and nutrition were the only things I felt like I could control during that time. I tortured myself to fit the unrealistic expectations that society sets around body image for women. I had tunnel vision and I whole-heartedly believed that being thin defined beauty. I worked out multiple times a day for multiple hours, ate the calories that are suggested for a toddler, and isolated myself from social experiences in fear of indulging. I remember going to visit my high school roommate over the summer and being extremely anxious with not having 100% control of what I was eating and drinking. I couldn’t sleep the few nights before leaving. I should have been counting down the days until being with her but I was dreading the weekend because I knew I would eat more than usual. That is when I finally realized that this was not normal and this was a problem. It was the moment of clarity for me. I started seeing someone that helped me work through my eating disorder. I had extreme fears of gaining weight but I knew that this lifestyle that I had created for myself was not sustainable and it was not an enjoyable one either. I worked through finding balance and redefining “healthy” for myself. However, I didn’t work through the root of the issue which was my anxiety. And I still defined so much of my worth on my physical appearance. That shit is toxic and that shit is consuming. I told myself that if I got down to a certain weight that I would be happy. Well I got to that goal weight and I wasn’t happy. I was actually the most depressed I had ever been.
It wasn’t until I had a really empowering conversation with my Mom right before I left to go to school for my senior year. Another moment of clarity for me. I finally understood that the relationship that I have with myself is the most important thing. It’s the relationship that I will have forever. My mom encouraged me to redefine success. If you asked me two months what success meant I would give a shallow response. If you ask me today what being successful meant I would say being a kind person and loving the life that you’ve created for yourself. And that took a lot of hard work and reflection.
Looking back on it now I can’t believe I defined so much of my worth on a stupid number at that point in time. I failed to appreciate the qualities and characteristics that make me me and viewed my will power to restrict myself as a strength. I was extremely insecure and ruthlessly ridiculed my appearance. I spoke to myself terribly and made an enemy out of myself. I was struggling the most I ever had. This is something that I struggled with every day of my senior fall. Something that I didn’t really talk about with anyone besides my roommates. They are my rock. But I never fully let anyone in. There were many sleepless nights overthinking things and as I said it is consuming. I know that many people share these same struggles.
I definitely do not have it all figured out. I still struggle. I continue to battle my depression most days but everyday I choose to love the people in my life including myself. There are days where I get sad and isolate. There are days when I avoid looking in the mirror in fear of the negative things that I will say to myself. There are days I can’t take a full breath. But that’s ok. It’s a work in progress. It will be for the rest of my life. I continue to surprise myself with the inner strength I have. I know that the younger version of myself would be really proud of the woman that I’ve become. That’s probably the most rewarding feeling.
It took me eight years to seek out someone to talk to. In the past eight years, I’ve learned so much about myself. I wouldn’t change anything that I’ve gone through or the mistakes I’ve made because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without facing adversity. Right now, I’m so close to the light at the end of the tunnel, I know that eventually I will go through another tunnel, but that’s a battle for a different day. Some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in life have come from my toughest times. That is something my dad has always preached to me. It’s cliché. But bad days make good ones a hell of a lot better.
If you were to look at my Instagram or Snapchat you’d think I’m having the time of my life. That’s the side that I choose to showcase. The fun side. But that is not the full picture and that’s what I want to convey. Social media doesn’t portray the full picture yet it consumes a lot of our time. It’s a highlight reel. You never know what someone is struggling with behind a screen.
My main message here is that I urge you to treat people kindly and take care of yourself. I’ll say it again; you never know what someone is struggling with and kindness goes a long way. Choosing to prioritize yourself will always be a good choice. I even got a tattoo of that. It reminds me every day that I will never regret doing what is best for me. To anyone that has taken the time to read this, I want to say that you have so much worth. You are stronger than you think and braver than you believe. If you are going through a tough time that is ok!! A good day will come soon. I know I am not alone in the pressures I feel, the overthinking, the anxiety and the depression. I empathize with whatever adversity you have faced and the hard work that it takes to overcome it. We are all human and doing the best we can. You deserve to find inner peace and be happy. Everyone deserves that. You are never alone I will always pick up your call. Regardless of how well I know you. And to all the people that picked up my calls when I was having a hard day. Thank you so much. I am forever grateful for the people that have stood by me and have been there for me unconditionally.
Self worth and beauty are defined by your energy and soul. A number on a scale, a GPA, a job, a materialistic object, likes on an Instagram — none of that shit defines you. Never forget that. Caring for yourself and treating people kindly is the most beautiful quality. It is everything.
I encourage others to share their story. Whether that is with your family, friends, myself, your social media platform or even just share it aloud to yourself. Strength comes in numbers. The more awareness that can be brought to these topics the better.
